The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

The title of this post is slightly misleading. It sounds like I'm going to be posting about something relationship related or medical-y, but I got tired of posting about John (though I love him) and there's nothing all that exciting going on with me medically at the moment.

The real reason I'm writing this post is because last Saturday I went to confession. It had been a good month and a half. :/ But anyway. I came to a shocking realization that I AM NOT PERFECT. Just kidding, I definitely knew that before. But confession is something that I have always thought of as my favorite Sacrament (after Communion) and one that I needed desperately. So, there I was. In a gorgeous church, ready to confess my sins. It's always a humbling experience knowing that Christ came to save me, and yet I don't always have Him first on my priority list. It's something that I think a lot of people are guilty of. It's hard to admit that your priorities aren't in order, but to fix it we have to admit it. I always say "I'm going to be perfect and never sin again!" YEAH RIGHT. I mean, we have to be realistic. It's a fantastic goal - trying not to sin. But we will never be perfect. For me, it's generally the same things that get in my way, and that's normal. Breaking habits is hard, and it takes patience. It's hard for me knowing that I've let not only people down, but Christ the Savior down as well. It's all the more reason to strive to be holy.

So that's my goal leading up to Thanksgiving/Christmas. I want to work harder. I think it's something that we can all improve. Then someday we will go to Heaven and be with Christ eternally. But the waiting is the hardest part.

Have a great rest of the week! God bless and keep you!

God Gave Me You

So last night John was talking about how he can generally give a good, unbiased description of people, and he went on to describe some of his friends. But then he caught me off guard and said
"But if someone asked me 'what's your girlfriend like?' I wouldn't know what to say. At first I thought maybe it was because I didn't know you well enough. Then I thought more about it - I'd be more detailed. You are never predictable. You always surprise me with something more amazing than I expect. I feel like I'm funny and talkative around other people and that they respect me, I'm confident around them and I feel good when I'm with other people. But with you I feel completely myself. I feel so loved and accepted. I feel so funny and confident. But then when you want to, you can completely throw me off. You can stop me in my tracks and make me think I'm not even close to deserving of you. And so even though I feel more confident and accepted with you than I do with my friends who I am completely good with, I feel like I have to constantly work harder to impress you and care for you and be yours. I don't know if I'll ever feel as though I'm good enough for you. Just because I don't think anyone could be. Honey, I love you."
I'm a truly blessed girl to have someone like John in my life, and I'll never be thankful enough to God and to him for the immense love I've received from both of them. <3

God bless and have an amazing day! Stay safe from Hurricane Sandy, and pray for those in her path.

We're All Of Us Truly The Children Of God

So, I had and incredible experience yesterday. Sheldon Harnick (lyricist for FIDDLER ON THE ROOF, TENDERLOIN, SHE LOVES ME, etc.) came to Cleveland to do a concert with my mom and Bill Rudman. I got to spend all day yesterday with him - watching him give a masterclass to the BWMT kids, eating lunch with him, and watching a production of his show "THE APPLE TREE - THE DIARY OF ADAM AND EVE" with him. He signed a copy of a song by him that I sing called "Will he Like Me?" and he wrote "Hannah - when you sing 'Will He Like Me' I'm sure he will! -Sheldon Harnick". I smiled for like 10 minutes. I got to watch him sing some of his own music, and even at 88, he has more honesty and character than most college students. He is a brilliant lyricist and I will never forget seeing him perform. His wife Margery came to Cleveland with him, and they are absolutely precious. One of the BW kids asked him who he showed his lyrics to before taking them to the composer/director, and he said "Oh, I always show them to Margie. If she doesn't like them or doesn't understand something, I change it right away." At the end of the masterclass, he received a very well deserved standing ovation and Margie looked so proud and went up and kissed him. Every person in the audience "aww-ed. " During the "APPLE TREE" production, Sheldon was so moved than he began to cry. Margie simply rubbed his back and put her head on his shoulder. They are absolutely precious. The two of them just publised a book together called "The Outdoor Museum". It's a collection of Margie's photography and Sheldon's poetry. It's a gorgeous book. They are inseparable and it's adorable. 

Sheldon and Margery Harnick

I had the experience of a lifetime yesterday - one every theatre lover wants to have. Look up Sheldon's lyrics and poems. There are so many beautiful ones. He shared a special poem called 'On Working in the Theatre" and nearly everyone cried. I can't find it online, but as soon as I have a copy, I'll post it. 

God bless and have a great day!

The Secret Of Happiness Is Learning How To Glide

So far, October has been interesting. John and I have had a hard-ish time adjusting to everything lately, and I really haven't been the best girlfriend to him. Distance kinda sucks. But we're doing okay. We skyped until about 2am and just laughed and talked about random stuff. We've both been struggling with similar things and it's been really hard for me to connect to faith lately. But hey, I've been there before, and God's always been there, I just have to really want to find Him. It's been a huge adjustment for John more than me, though, because I've met his friends at UC but he hasn't met mine. And he had to deal with me going to homecoming. I can't even imagine how hard that was for him. He really has been amazing through it all, though. I'm a really blessed girl.

Here's a picture of me and one of both mine and John's best friends going to homecoming together:

It was fun, but it was really strange for me to be at a homecoming dance. I'm not that type of person... I'm not the type for long periods of jumping around and dancing. Of course, I felt sick, but hey, that's normal for me.

I really haven't had anything interesting happen lately, which is why I haven't posted lately, but I hope you're all doing well! God bless!

For Beautiful To Happen, Beautiful Has Got To Be Seen

Hello, strangers! (Although it's my fault that we ARE strangers, seeing as I haven't posted in a while...my bad!)

So, I was thinking in the shower today (Yep - that's where I do most of my thinking...lol) about the immense pressure society puts on women to be perfect. In my opinion, "perfect" is the worst word you could use, because the only people to ever walk on this earth who were perfect were Mary and Christ. And since none of us (to my knowledge) are Mary, we really have no hope of ever being truly perfect. We can strive to be perfect as She was perfect, but we will always have original sin. That's just something we can never escape. But I don't necessarily mean that they put pressure on us to be "perfect" in a saintly or Mary-like way. They want us to look like models, not care about morals or ethics, date a guy the second we turn like 13 (I did start dating at 13, but society basically says that EVERY girl needs to date and if they don't they're rejects) and they say that sleeping with your boyfriend isn't wrong and it's something that should be looked on as okay. NO. No no no no no! This is what our world is coming to, and it scares me. What kind of world will my children grow up in? Honestly, I shudder at the thought. Even the little things, like the fact that Barnes and Noble is the only bookstore left in Cleveland makes me sad for my children. They won't grow up like I did. My parents always say "the world was a simpler place when I was young", and now I realize that it's going to change even more by the time I'm a parent. It's really concerning. Media tells women that they have to weigh as little as possible. Most girls would love to weigh 95 or 100 pounds. So why when my mom tells me that I need to GAIN weight, do I think "Heck no! I'm not getting any bigger than this!"?? Everyone's mentality has been warped by our media. Anorexia and bulimia are everywhere. Those are real problems that need to be addressed. Yes, physical fitness is great, but shouldn't we be more concerned about the people who are killing themselves trying to fit our distorted image of beauty?? Being stick thin is NOT beautiful. There are girls walking around who look like they're about to literally snap in half. This is a huge problem. And it's so sad. These are our friends. These are our siblings and family members. Why don't we see what we are doing to women?! *sigh* The world really makes me sad sometimes.

On a happier note, I had an AMAZING weekend last weekend with John in Cincinnati. We saw Glen Hansard (go look him up on YouTube or Spotify....Spotify is amazing by the way!) and he was MIND-BLOWING!! I absolutely can not get over it. He played one of my all-time favorite songs and he was literally two inches from my face when he processed up the aisle singing his last encore song. I loved that concert so so so much, and I'll never forget it. I also got to meet some of his friends who were super nice, walk around UC campus, found a really cool coffee shop, laughed, made fun of eachother, watched The Office, got caught in the middle of like 10,000 people at "Oktoberfest" RIGHT outside the theater where Glen was playing...that was tons of fun :) We left John's apartment an hour and a half early to go to the theater that was five minutes away, but we got so stuck in traffic and in a sea of people that we ended up having to grab dinner at one of the stands and rush in to the theater in half an hour. I got beer spilled on me *grumble*, and I was exhausted by the end of the day, but it was perfect. And I can't wait until he comes home in a little over a month. :)

May God bless you all!! Thanks for reading! :)

The Most Amazing Thing

     Three years ago today, the best friend I've ever had called me up at 1am to tell me he liked me. He had been trying to tell me for a few days but we never got the time to be together so he could tell me in person. I had liked him for about a month, but I started to like him while I was helping him out with another girl that he liked...so I just kind of accepted that I wouldn't get him to like me back. BUT the girl he liked at the time was being really super confusing and (he says) that the more he thought about it, the more he realized how awesome I was. (I disagree...) We were at the feast of the Assumption in Little Italy outside the old Lyceum building singing as a group and he looked at me and I smiled at him. He says that that's when he really started to like me. So a few days later he called me to tall me. I was as happy as could be. :)

     These last three years have been filled with so much adventure, happiness, laughter, tears, faith, singing, change, hard things, encouragement, joy, and sillyness. I wouldn't change a thing about any of it, either. I am so blessed to have the man that I do. And I know that it sounds like I'm bragging (...I am a bit...) but when I see all these people around me breaking up with their "boyfriends" or "girlfriends" after only a few weeks, I realize how absolutely blessed and lucky I am to have John in my life. God has given me the greatest gift I could ever ask for, and even though I am completely undeserving, He lets me hold on to him. And I am so grateful.

     Thank you, John, for an incredible three years, and here's to three hundred more. Happy anniversary, dearest! <3

May God bless all of you and give you all the happiness in the world! Have a great night!!

Color Outside The Lines

Well. I haven't posted in a while. Call it Blogger's Block, or whatever you want... Not knowing if my posts were even worth posting. But at this point, I just need to document (even if it's just for myself and no one else cares at all...though it'd be a plus if you all found my posts interesting!) what's gone on in my life lately.

School at Trinity is going really well. I haven't looked back once. I'm more comfortable with myself and who I really am rather than what certain people wanted me to be. I'm interning at Great Lakes Theater Festival. It's amazing. Today I got to work with 5 actor-teachers who go around to different schools for week long residencies and teach elementary school kids the fundamentals of acting. So, basically, me and a bunch of adults got to act like fourth graders while someone practiced teaching us. I laughed so hard so many times. It was great. It also reminded me how much we can learn from children. We talked about The Giving Tree and whether you can over-give and how important showing gratitude is. It was really interesting to see this room full of adults talking seriously about things that children are taught. I loved it.

It's been hard adjusting without John here. He came home on Labor Day weekend (which was AWESOME because my birthday was on Labor Day.) and we went to a concert, hung out at my house, and just had a great time. I am so lucky. AND I get to go down to Cincinnati this Saturday and Sunday to visit him and see another concert (GLEN HANSARD!!! He wrote the music for the movie/musical Once that I posted about a while back) and so I can meet his friends. It'll be great, but it'll also be strange. The only college campus I've been on is Baldwin Wallace University's (yeah, they're a university now!!) and I'm not big on the whole being around party "animals" and stuff. But we'll see how it goes. The timing of this trip is perfect since tomorrow is John and my third anniversary. Crazy, but absolutely amazing. I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend :)

I'm loving the weather right now, too! It's chilly, but not freezing, and the perfect weather for jeans and a hoodie. It's my favorite time of year. I love autumn.

Nothing else all that exciting is going on, but it's gonna be a great rest of the year, and I think John and I are gonna make things work out just fine. So I'm really anxious (in a good way) to see where God takes me for the rest of the year.

God bless you all and I hope you're having a great September! :)

Will I Lose My Dignity? Will Someone Care?

Hello, all!

I would like to take a minute to talk about one of my favorite organizations. To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit organization that tries to help prevent suicide, self-harm, depression, etc. It's gotten me through a lot, and I know it's helped others.
For example, in 2008 the brother of one of my mom's students committed suicide. The pain that the family went through was unbelievable. They said that if anyone wanted to support a cause that helped them deal with the pain of losing a loved one, that they should donate to TWLOHA. That's how I first learned about it. I had no idea at the time that I would end up needing the reassurance that I was not alone in my struggle.
This goes back to me saying that I'm not one of those people who is constantly together. I struggled (and still struggle) with depression and self-harm. TWLOHA was there with words of encouragement, advice, etc., that helped me (and continue to help me) through the fight. But that's not what I am here to talk about.
Monday, September 10 is World Suicide Prevention Day. This day is always dear to my heart. It's a day where people, whether they have struggled with depression or not, can come together and fight the epidemic in our country. Our society puts so much pressure on us to be perfect all of the time. People are driven to suicide every day because of hate. This is something that must be stopped. Coping with life is hard enough. A stand needs to be taken, and TWLOHA is taking it. So on Sept. 10, wear something either orange or yellow. Orange is the color of self-harm awareness, and yellow, the color of suicide awareness. TWLOHA produces a special t-shirt for WSPD (World Suicide Prevention Day...I'm so creative with abbreviations...) that is white with orange lettering. If you do not want to spend the money, at least try to make an effort to incorporate the colors into your outfit for the day. I know it seems silly, and maybe no one will notice. But we can try. And it would be great if you did!!

God bless you all!! Have a great night!

Love Is Here, Love Is Now

I've still been struggling with fitting in at Trinity, and feeling sick every day certainly doesn't help. The only place I really feel comfortable is in my Honors English 11 class. I'm at a table with 3 other people, and we all somehow have the same interests. My friend Patrick is a Titanic nerd as well, and he knows about the BW Music Theater program. Lisa and I have the same taste in literature, and Gabby and I just get along really easily. I also just do well in that class. I credit The Lyceum a lot for that, because we had to look at literature in a way most schools don't. I'm one step ahead in that respect, and that's really helpful. I look forward to English all day, and I hate that it's my last period. But it's really nice to have something like that to look forward to. I'm thankful for that.

Going back to yesterday, I went to 8pm mass at Holy Rosary. Although my family technically belongs to Holy Rosary, my mom and I started going to Communion of Saints while my dad works at Blessed Trinity Parish. So, we're all on different Mass schedules. It gets kind of frustrating, not going to Mass as a family. But my dad's parish is 40 minutes away and we aren't morning people. So we end up at COS (Communion of Saints) a lot. Anyway, I was alone at Mass, and I don't like being alone at Mass. I was freaking out because I felt really sick and I had to "sit through" Mass worrying about my stomach. I was 15 minutes early for Mass, so I had some time to pray with the organ playing quietly in the background. I sat in the front-ish by the tabernacle and just prayed:

Lord,
I pray that as I kneel before You, You might take away any doubt and fear from my mind. Remind me that as long as I am in Your presence, You will take care of me. I don't know where my life is going at the moment, but give me peace in You and help me trust You fully. I love You, O my Life! I am Yours. I am not my own. Help me to live as Your daughter first and foremost.
Amen

Reminders

Well, now that John is safely off, I have more faith-related things to blog about. (Though John will appear in many of these posts...just because I love him...)

It was the third day of school, and I was walking to english class. I was freaking out, because I don't adapt well to change, and this is a huge one. I have had to get used to feeling basically invisible and lost. My classes are really good, but the social aspect is really hard for me to deal with. That is not the point, though. The point is that on my way to english, I was thinking about how strange it was not to pray before and after EVERY class. Trinity has prayer in the morning, but nothing much else except for personal time that you can spend in their chapel. I thought, "Wow, I do miss that" and walked in to class feeling unsure of how to fit in my prayer time during school. The bell signaled the start of class and my teacher said "Okay, everyone stand for prayer. Are there any intentions?" I was so happy. It was really nice.

My Love,
I thank You for the opportunities You have given me. I am weak, but You are strong. Help me to realize that You are all that I need. That this earth is passing and that Your Kingdom is what I ought to strive for. I Love You, O my Lord!

Inevitable

So, today's the day. John's headed to Cincinnati. I couldn't be more proud, but I'm also nervous.

Lord,
I pray that today You would give all the confidence and happiness in the world to John, because no one deserves it more than he does. You have blessed me with him for two and a half years and now he gets to have more adventures. Stay by his side, O God. Protect him from anything harmful and point him down the path that You desire him to take. Help him to choose what is of You, and not of the world. I thank You today, as I do every day, for blessing my life with John. He has shown Your Love to me in ways I never thought possible. If it be Your Will, let our love thrive while we are apart and allow us to come back to one another strengthened in faith and in love for one another and for You. Give us hope to continue on this journey and give us the stamina to face trials with grace and with joy. Grant us serenity in our new surroundings and never let us forget how much we owe to You.
In Christ's Name,
Amen

I love you, John. I can't wait to be back in your arms. :) God bless you always, sweetheart. I'll see you in 9 days!

And may God bless all of you as you finish the week!

Goodbye, Love

John came to say goodbye tonight. It was easily one of the hardest nights I've gone through. There has never been anyone in my life who has meant as much to me as John does, and it's nearly impossible to let him go. He's been great about it, though. He brought David over today for a few hours which always helps brighten any situation. We sometimes get strange looks like "you guys are too young to be parents..." and now that we both wear promise rings, it looks like we're married. But we always get a laugh out of it. Anyway, we went to the playground and played with David, who loved my kitties, by the way. He sang happy birthday to me, and my heart nearly exploded. It was one of the cutest things I've ever seen. David got picked up, and then it was just us along with my parents in the house. We watched Seinfeld and laughed...well, he laughed...I cried. I just can't get used to the fact that he won't be here, and it is so hard to get through a day without wishing I could see him. I usually could, but now that he's living 4 hours away, that won't be possible. And I think that will be one of the hardest things to  get used to. I cried for a good bit of the night. He just held me and told me everything was ok. He really is the most wonderful boyfriend I could have. I know you're probably thinking that's cliche and annoying to read about on a blog, but the majority of the things that remind me God is present always are most obvious to me when I'm with John. He is the most faithful person I've met, and He always brings me closer to God in everything.

I am so blessed. Thank You, God, for John Paul James Lann. I couldn't have asked for anyone better.

Enough To Let Me Go

I was thinking about my life today. Sounds philosophical, I know, but it's actually quite simple. I was reading through a Facebook message between my friend and I. He was helping me through having to say goodbye to John. I was a mess, and he was super sweet and helpful. I've known him for 12 years now, and our friendship has grown into something truly special to me. When I was Beth in LITTLE WOMEN, he was my Mr. Laurence. On closing night, after realizing it was our last show together, the emotions ran high. I don't cry at the end of shows, and neither does he, but we were both pretty upset.

Anyway! I was reading through our message, and the second time through I realized how lucky I am to have friends like him. I've lost friends for various reasons, and I've been hurt a lot by different people. There were a few months I cried myself to sleep almost every night because of a few people. But that has slowly patched itself up. The more I thought about it, the more clear it became that you can not replace a great friendship. If there's a relationship you've lost, you (or at least I) always have a place I feel like that person (or people) should be. And it's going to hurt to lose people, but if you are meant to be friends with them, God will always find a way to put them back into your life. It's something I've grown more and more grateful for every day, friendship. Friendship is not something to be taken for granted. Ever.

God bless you!

Shine

Okay, let's be honest. Every girl dreams about wearing a beautiful diamond ring (like the one below) on her finger. I am so blessed to have a boyfriend who is willing to buy me a promise ring (the one pictured below). The ring doesn't stand for the normal pre-engagement kind of thing, but rather a reminder of how beautiful our relationship is and how much it means to both of us. But here's what I thought of today...just a few minutes ago in fact. Today I was washing my hands in the kitchen and we were out of hand soap, so I had to use dish soap... After drying my hands, I looked at my ring. It was sparkling so brilliantly. The picture doesn't show it well, but it has a gorgeous shine to it. Here's the thing. John's going to college, and I'm still in high school. He won't be here to hold me when I cry, help me when I'm sick, hold my hand when I'm afraid. Just thinking about that makes me cry. There's been a lot of crying lately. BUT, if he and I keep our relationship centered around God constantly, He will use it for His glory and make it shine. But we have to work to "wash away" all the bad things in our relationship. It's cheesy, but it made sense to me. So, thanks, John for this ring. I am yours. But we are His first. We can do this if we rely on Him.

Oh, Humanity!

Here's something I've noticed more and more lately - the human race is going downhill. You're probably thinking: "Wow, you're just picking up on that??" But it's something that continues to shock me every day. I can't even scroll through my news feed on Facebook without seeing "&#%$ this!" or "you #$@%&", etc...it's sad. My language isn't always the best, but I realize that when I do fail at keeping it appropriate, I feel worse about everything. My outlook becomes more and more negative. I mean, what should I expect? When someone curses something like that, how can they have a positive attitude about it? There's just no way. When you try to be positive about something, even something you don't like, the fact that you're TRYING works wonders. Our world really is deteriorating, but the Catholic and Christians who try to keep God in everything will be happier and others will notice that and ask what keeps us so happy. We must always strive to be happy and hopeful. That is how people will know we have something more than this passing world.

God bless you all! I hope you've had a wonderful weekend!

Truly Blessed

Today is the last day I get to spend with John. He leaves for Cincinnati on Wednesday. I can't imagine what life will be like without seeing him at least once a week. He is such an amazing guy and I can't believe that we're almost at the three year mark. When I think about how much we've been through together, it seems a miracle that we didn't go insane. Somehow, though, he always wanted to stay with me. He never gave up on us, or on me. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful, God-fearing man. Today is going to be really hard on me, because of how many times he's saved my life and made me feel worth something, but he's so supportive and encouraging about the whole transition. I love you, John. I can't wait to see what adventure our last day together brings.

Some Things Are Meant To Be

Wow. Today was my second day as an upperclassman...and my second day at my new school. One question has been nagging at me, sucking out my soul, and finding its way into my nightmares. Ok, just kidding. But seriously, I keep asking myself: Where the heck did my summer go?! It's crazy. I can't believe it's over. 

I like Trinity a lot so far. It'll be interesting to see how second term goes, though, because all of my hard classes (AP U.S. History, Algebra II, Chemistry) managed to find there way into that term *gulp*. It's really intimidating and slightly awkward seeing as I only know a few people. I like my first term classes a lot though (Honors English, Cooking, Creative Writing, and a free period to work on math because I suck at it - haha). The people, especially the teachers, have been really welcoming. It's odd though, because I've found that the teachers are completely different than all the ones I have previously had. My  English teacher is hard of hearing, so she knows how to read lips. Some people laughed at that and some thought it was cool. She smiled kind of mysteriously and then said "Yeah, it's helpful to me, but when I catch you saying 'Wow...she is such a b***h' you won't be laughing so much...nor will you think it's cool". I sat there for a minute and just thought ".....wait. Did my TEACHER just swear in a class?" I was stunned. I wasn't offended by it or anything, but it made me realize that I'm in a different environment. I do like it a lot though. My cooking/home ec. teacher is hilariously old fashioned. She cringes at the things people say about letting future babysitters drive their future kids wherever they want - which I don't like the thought of either. But again, it's a different place. People are really different. There are most definitely pros AND cons to the whole thing, but I'm having fun and I feel closer to God now than I did at the Lyceum...weird, I know, but since I was so unhappy there, it was really hard to connect to Him. That's all changing. Slowly but surely. And I'm really grateful for it. 

Hope you're all having a great night. God bless!!

Adventure Is Out There...Whatever That Means

Going back a few posts, I mentioned how I'm starting school...well...tomorrow (YIKES!) and that means that John is leaving for college in a week and a day. Both of those things are crazy exciting, but I'm also slightly terrified.

I'm starting at a school where I know MAYBE 16 people out of about 400. I'm considered a social person, but the idea of barely knowing anyone and having to try to make a whole new set of friends is really intimidating. I don't know what to expect, I don't know how I'll be accepted, etc. I'm the kind of person who strongly dislikes uncertainty (and my life is full of it), so going into such a crazy change is rough for me. A lot of people don't realize how easily things affect me. People see me as this strong girl that nothing can break. And I've been told that before by people. I've been asked: "What's your secret to staying positive all the time??" Anyone who knows me better knows that I'm extremely sensitive to any kind of criticism, change, or anything that's said about me. John can attest to the fact that I spend a lot of nights in tears because I can't handle stress of everyday life. So clearly, I'm not the person that people make me out to be. There was a girl in 5th grade who really didn't like me because she claimed I was "too perfect". Looking back to that, I'd love to have said that I DO break easily. I'm not together every minute - I'm hardly ever together, really. Anyway, this whole change from a school where I knew everyone by name to a school that, despite it being a much better fit for me as a person, is essentially foreign to me is frightening to say the least.

Now, normally, I would just go into the Newman or Augustine to talk to John during lunch and just have someone to tell me everything is going to be fine. Here lies another problem. Not only will I be at a different school, but the person I am closest to will be four hours away instead of thirty minutes. John has been there for me when no one else was at all. He's seen me at my worst and at my best. I've never had a better friend. So what do I do when the one who I could always count on to hold me while I cried is miles away? That question has haunted me for months. "I've never had to face the world without him at my side". The prospect of being without him has been really hard to get used to. I want him to succeed more than anything. He is capable of such incredible things. And I'm the first to admit that I selfishly want him to stay with me, but there's no way I can even try to deny him these wonderful experiences. He's been great through this whole thing. He agreed to get promise rings (not in the normal pre-engagement way though!) so that I could feel more comforted by the fact that he'd always be wearing it. But all I can do now is pray.

Needless to say, I'm in for a lot of adventure, and so is my amazing John. It will be a good year, but there are some major changes and uncertainties packed in there. But God is good, and He does provide.

So yeah. Bigger life update....if you care, which you probably don't, but thanks for reading/skimming. God bless you always!

Blinding Light

One of my new favorite songs. Thanks, Liz Knab!!

Blinding Light by Switchfoot

So, basically this song makes me super happy. Favorite lyrics:

"Hey girl, be yourself now

Don't believe what they told you to

Hey girl, be yourself now

Your skin's more than a pin-up suit

Hey girl, don't conform now

No one else's got soul like you

Hey girl, you're a strong one

But none of us are bulletproof

Yeah...Deep down there's a hope inside

You got wings but you're scared to fly

Wake up, wake up

Still looking for the blinding light

Still looking for the reason why

Still looking for the sun to shine

Take me higher and higher

All my life I've been living in the darkest night

Still looking for the sun to shine

Take me higher and higher"

Changes

I am generally a fan of change, and this year is FULL of them. I start at Trinity on Wednesday and I have to learn to adapt to a completely new atmosphere. People say I'm a friendly and adaptive person, but I'm nervous about the whole transition.

John leaves for college on the 23rd. That's probably the biggest change. I've been so spoiled by getting to see him every day at school and then about once a week during the summer, and now I have to get used to him living four hours away instead of thirty minutes. It's going to be hard not having him here to talk to every minute. We'll both be on completely different schedules, which won't make it any easier to find time to talk. He's great about encouraging me about everything, but it's still rough. There have been a few nights spent crying, worrying, etc. But we've tried to center our relationship more around faith than it had been, so I think that will help. Major change there, though, no matter how I look at it.

One GOOD change... I'm finally redoing my bedroom. I've had the same tiny furniture since I was a about 5. The only that was an ok size was my bed. Suffice it to say, it was a room for a little kid, not an almost-16-year-old. Haha. I have a new desk, dresser, bookshelf, bedding set, night stand. I have a color picked out for my walls, too. It's gonna be nice to have big enough furniture and non-pastel colors on the walls.

So yeah. Mini life update, there. Hope all is well with everyone. God bless!

A Request

Hello, all.

I've been neglecting this blog lately, and I apologize. I've had a crazy summer: doing LITTLE WOMEN, working, summer reading, parties, etc. But hopefully I'll be able to post more soon.

I do have a request though. I could really use some prayers. I'm super stressed out and worried about something, and I really just need God's help/clarification. I've broken down a few times about things, and I could use a lot of clarity. So if it's not too much to ask, could you just add me into your prayer? I'd really appreciate it.

In Christ,
Hannah

A Life (Really) Worth Celebrating

A lot of people seem to have a birthday today. Daniel Radcliffe, Mrs. Poporad, etc. But by far the most important birthday we celebrate today is my grandpa. Today is his 90th birthday! I am so proud of him for the things that he's done.
He is one of the most in shape 90 year olds I know - he still drives all the old widows to their doctor's appointments, he works out a good bit, and he golfed up until a few months ago. He's lived to 90 with very few health problems - one knee replacement, a couple of illnesses here and there, but nothing serious.
He's had serious obstacles in life, though. As I mentioned before, he lost his only son on Father's Day while on vacation. I can't imagine what he's gone through emotionally because of that, but he never let his grief show around me. He lived through WWII, the Great Depression, 9/11, the death of his wife 6 years ago, the death of a lot of his friends, some siblings, etc. The emotional situations my grandpa has endured have shaped him into the person he is - strong and loving.
He has always been special to me. We used to hide candy in his dresser drawer and I was so convinced my grandma didn't know....she did. But we just have so many good memories.
I went up into my grandma's old room, just to remind myself of how much I loved her. Nothing was changed. Everything was exactly how she left it, even after six years. I could tell my grandpa had been in there, but he clearly didn't want to disturb anything. It was sweet knowing that he treasured her memory so much.  They had 56 years together, and I think that's beautiful.
So here's to my grandpa - the most wonderful man I know. I love you!! Happy 90th birthday, and here's to many more!

Unconditional...what??

I went to see a show called "Sondheim On Sondheim". For those of you who don't know, Stephen Sondheim is one of the most brilliant musical theatre composers ever. His music is incredible. Anyway, they filmed him talking about his life and putting his songs in to fit whatever they were talking about in the dialogue. Near the end of the show he was talking about his mother. He never had a good relationship, but he just assumed that it was something that would resolve itself. Later in life (around age 40) he received a letter from his mother. She was about to go into open-heart surgery. The note read: "I want you to know, as I go into open-heart surgery, that the biggest regret I have in life is giving you birth."
I sat there for a minute just in shock - how could any mother say that to her son?? I was stunned. My mom and I don't always get along, but she's NEVER said anything even close to that. A mother's love is something that is irreplaceable. I was just shocked. After that they played one of his songs: Children Will Listen. I found it really touching that they played such a poignant song having to do with parents after finding out what his mother did. It just really touched me.

Relaxation

Wow. It's been a while since I've posted. I'm so sorry neglecting this! So what's been happening in all of your lives lately? Yesterday LITTLE WOMEN opened! It was a fabulous show. :) I have never been more proud to be a theater person. I was super worried because half the cast was sick and I started feeling awful two days before opening. I freaked out. I was also completely exhausted, which didn't help. John helped me calm down and eventually I did...about 2 seconds before I had to go on stage. One of my acting teachers gave us this incredible breathing exercise that calmed me a lot too. I had time to pray during acting class, which was a new thing for me. But it was an amazing show. People were so wonderful afterwards. I'm so blessed.
I hope you've all been having a wonderful few weeks! God bless you!

Subtle Reminders

Today I was at rehearsal for "Little Women" and all of the principal characters were there. I was sitting in the auditorium watching the other cast go through some scenes. I was a few seats away from the man who is playing Professor Bhaer, but all the seats in between were empty. I knew he was Catholic (he goes to John Carrol) but I wasn't sure how Catholic he was. I happened to catch a glimpse of his keys and he had one of those Rosary rings on his keychain. I commented on it and he smiled like he was really glad I noticed. It was really nice for me to see that there was another Catholic there with me. It was a nice little reminder that God is everywhere.

Oh, Steubie U

I got back yesterday from a great weekend at Franciscan University of Steubenville. It was a challenging weekend for sure, but it was worth it.

Usually when I go on a big retreat I come home on a really big "spiritual high". This time, though, it was completely different. I didn't feel all emotional and super happy; I felt calm. During Adoration on Saturday night I just kind of laid it all out on the table for God. I was freaking out about a lot of different things. I'm still worried, but less so now. It was really interesting, though, because I was with a different youth group than I normally am. Some of the kids were really into it...others...not even trying. There were some who couldn't quite connect with God, but they TRIED.

I was in a different dorm room on both nights. There were five of us the first night. It was a nice, quiet night. The girls were respectful of each other and they let everyone else sleep. I felt happy and connected to God that night. I slept well and wasn't worried about anything.

The second night I was with four other girls. Suzie (her blog with Helen and Liz is awesome!) was with me and we were both sleeping on the floor...not all that comfortably either. The other girls were generally really sweet. There was one girl, though, only about twelve years old, who acted like she was about seventeen. She talked about so many inappropriate things and didn't find anything wrong with joking about things like dating, sex, etc. She swore more than a lot of twenty year olds that I know. I was originally about ready to slap her in the face (I know...Super Christian, right? ...No) but eventually I just gave up. I basically said "It's not going to bug me. What she does and says this weekend is between her and God. I have no business interfering." I decided I would just go to sleep. That didn't work either. My stomach problems have been getting worse and worse lately, and Saturday was really bad. All day i was really nauseous and it worried me. After a little while it went away, but it came back at night. Around 1am I went over to the clinic...I felt really bad for making my youth leader stay up, but I felt really gross. Of course, no matter where you are, there's not much that people can do for nausea. I laid down there for like an hour and ten minutes, miserable, worried, shaking, exhausted. I finally went back to the dorms and fell asleep around 3am. Challenge #2.

Challenge #3 is going to be the next three weeks. I have theatre camp every day from 10am-4:30pm, and straight from there I go to rehearsal from 6:00pm-10:00pm. I'm going to be really tired and I think it's going to be rough for me to remember to pray, read the Bible, etc. But I'm hoping that God will help out with the stress and chaos.

God bless you all!

Unquestionable Strength

Happy Father's Day! My dad is great. He always makes me laugh and he has a great personality. I love you, dad!

Father's Day has always had a bittersweet feeling, though. Years ago, on Father's Day, while on vacation, my mom's brother drowned. He was scuba diving with his friend with no adult supervision. His friend assured him that everything would be fine, but something went wrong with his oxygen tank, and he died. My grandparents were devastated, and so was my mom. My grandpa, though, is one of the strongest people I know. To lose your only son on Father's Day due to something so avoidable..the grief must have been unimaginable. My grandpa was of course completely heartbroken, but he dedicated his life to his wife and his daughter, my mom. Then, once I came along, he was devoted to keeping me happy and faithful. He has always been so sweet to me and to everyone else. He's almost 90 years old and he's living alone. That doesn't stop him from serving. He drives all the little old ladies to all of their doctors' appointments and goes out to breakfast with his sisters every week. He is so loving, it's incredible. I'm so proud of him. I love you, Jhidoo! (<----- Arabic for "Grandpa")

Happy Father's Day to all the dad's out there!

Music Is My One Salvation, Singing Is My Celebration! *Warning: this post contains personal opinions on homosexuality that could be opposite yours. Please only read if you are comfortable with that topic. Thank you!*

"Honestly, though, theatre's the best, isn't it? You get to come to places like this and sit in the dark for two hours and just escape. Instead of thinking about your own childhood problems, you watch a childhood fairytale come to life before your eyes. Instead of stressing about your own relationships, you watch two people from different parts of the world fall in love and make beautiful music together. Instead of worrying about the news of today, you hear about the news of yesterday delivered by overly attractive, hyper acrobatic 35 year old 15 year olds." -Neil Patrick Harris - 2012 Tony Awards


For the last fifteen and a half years, I have the amazing privilege to be immersed in musical theatre and just straight theatre. It has truly been an escape and a sanctuary. No matter what was going on in my life, I could always go to rehearsal, go sing, read a play, and just forget everything. There is a musical for everything - or at least a song for everything. No matter what emotion I'm feeling, there is a song I can listen to that takes me away from it all. I've never found another passion that can do that for me. I can't imagine my life without theatre. It has been such a huge part of me for so long, and I couldn't be more grateful. I went from ensemble to ensemble, and now I get to play Beth in "Little Women" , and I couldn't be happier. 


I honestly do think it's made me a more accepting person. I know this is a really controversial subject, but I think it has made me unafraid to associate and be good friends with homosexuals. I am not looking to start an argument, so please don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way. The Catholic Church has perfect logic in saying that God's plan was for a man and a woman to marry. I do, however, believe that we can't shun those people who have chosen to live a certain way. We are charged by Christ to love everyone. We love even those who share different opinions. If a state allows same-sex marriage, though we may be uncomfortable with it, we can not simply say "I will never associate with a person of that nature, and I will not try to understand them" simply because of their sexual orientation. My main problem with many Catholics (I may be putting my foot in my mouth) is that they seem unwilling to even be near anyone who is homosexual. THIS is what I dislike. Though you may not think homosexual marriage should be allowed, we must try to be loving and charitable towards homosexuals. We must try to share the Word of God with them. But above all, we must rely on God's mercy to save them. Many of the Catholics that I have met simply say that homosexuals are automatically going to hell. Who are we to judge? I believe this even more firmly since studies are showing that it is NOT something you choose, as was previously believed. This leads me to say that we ought to be more accepting. Many homosexuals try to live normally, even get married to someone of the opposite sex to try and "get rid" of the "disease" that so many look down upon. Honestly, I find that more heartbreaking and wrong than them given equality... Maybe this makes me a terrible Catholic, I don't know. But seeing these people struggle so much with themselves and with others' approval makes me feel that we have to try to accept this. Anyway, that's what I have to say. If you disagree, I'm sorry. If I offended you, again, I'm sorry. I guess my main thing is that I just desire acceptance...and theatre has taught me that.


Theatre gives me a chance to use my talents for the Glory of Christ. That gives me more joy than anything. I am so thankful to have been involved in such a beautiful art form.

Hold My Heart

It's just one of those nights... One of those nights when I cry and pray a lot. It seems to happen pretty often... Tonight this song popped into my head as I was praying tearfully:

The lines that really stood out to me tonight were the lines of the chorus: 

"One tear in the driving rain...

One voice in a sea of pain...

Could the Maker of the stars

Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life...that's all I am

And right now I can barely stand.

If You're everything You say You are

Would You come close and hold my heart?"

It basically sums up how I was feeling: hopeless, helpless, worried, yet trying to trust Him for His answer and His goodness. Simple, but somehow, complex.

"I Detest All My Sins....but Mostly Because They Offend Thee"

I went to confession today, and it felt so good. I hadn't gone in about a month, and I just needed to feel closure again. Fr. Pat had some really great things to say. It's always amazing to know that no matter what I'm ashamed of, I can always turn back to my God through confession.

My Lord,
I love You with all my heart and soul. You are the center of my life. Without Your wondrous Love, I would not be here. Your Mercy is incredible, O my God. I do not deserve all that You do and all that You have given me. You have blessed me with incredible people for friends, with amazing opportunities. I can not wrap my mind around Your Love, but that is what makes Your Love so astonishing. I thank You for the talents with which You have blessed me, and I pray that I can use them for Your Glory. Thank you for the beautiful relationship that I am blessed to participate in with John. Thank You, O my King, for the abundance of blessings that You have showered upon me. Most of all, Lord, I thank You for the gift of Your unending Mercy through the sacrament of confession. You are amazing, O Christ! I adore You!
Amen.

When You're Worried And You Can't Sleep, Just Count Your Blessings.

I went to bed at midnight today, and I've been awake since 4:00. I woke up and felt like I was going to throw up, so I decided I'd just relax and try to not think about it. My cat was going crazy and I heard some little squeaks and there was this adorable little mouse running from me mean, albeit cute kitty. I woke my dad up and we took it outside. After that, since I was still feeling sick, I figured I'd watch a show that makes me laugh...America's Got Talent. It's the ONLY "reality" show I watch. Yeah, I know most of it's made up, but it makes me smile. That, however, is not the point of this post. As I was sitting up, 5 A.M. rolled around...then 5:30. And with that came the crack of dawn. I haven't actually seen the sun rise in a really long time. It was peaceful and there were birds chirping constantly. It was beautiful. It just made me realize how truly beautiful all of God's creation is. I have so much to be thankful for.

A Love That Never Ceases To Amaze

As I type this I'm watching my best friends go on Millenium Force while I sit here feeling sick. Its been a rough day so far and John and I have had an interesting time dealing with everything. But no matter how annoying I get, he is always there for me. I'm amazed every day by his love for me and I can never thank him enough. He is so strong when I cant be. He never lets me forget that he loves me. I couldn't have asked for a better boyfreind that John Paul James Lann.
Thank You, O God, for allowing us to grow in love for each other these past two and a half years. I pray that we may grow in love and strengthen our relationship and that we might be together for many more years to come.
I love you, John. So much. Thank you for everything. You mean the world to me and I hope you always know that.

Bittersweet Goodbye

My best friends graduated today. I love them all so much. First, there's John. I mean, y'all know how much I love him. I'm so proud of him. My boyfriend is going off to the University of Cincinnati to study architectural engineering. He has a renewable scholarship for every year, and he was offered a HUGE scholarship for the University of Dayton. I'm gonna miss him bucket loads when he's gone, but I'm so immensely proud of my amazing boyfriend. And he did an incredible job (as I mentioned before) in "The Taming of the Shrew" with one of my oldest friends: Liz Knab

Ahhh, Liz. What can I even say?? We've been friends for 15 years, and we've had so many crazy adventures. Red bull, special juice, walking to CVS in the FREEZING snow, laying on treadmills, recording ridiculous things on my phone, and so much more. We've had a lot of fun times. It's going to be really weird not seeing her around every day. She's going to make an awesome writing/theology major - her blog (CLICK HERE!!!) is really good and she is such a faith-filled young woman. I'm really proud of her and I've always looked up to her. She's just a really special person and I'm really happy for her! :)

Mickey D....Matthew McDonald....Ohhhh gosh. So many things to say. Always makes me laugh, has the WORST puns...but they're so bad it's funny, he always makes fun of me, but it's cool. He's studying classics and biology next year and I think he's gonna be just fine. Congrats, Mickey D!

Danielle. What can I really say? I'm so proud of her. She's so strong and really helpful to everyone. She's one of the most faithful people I know and I'm proud to call her my sister in Christ. I'm going to miss her, but she's going to make a great nurse. She's great with people and she loves helping them. I'm really excited to see how well she does!

Margo, well I don't know her very well, but she's one of the sweetest people I've met. She's just like a Langley, and that's awesome! She's really caring and faithful and she's going to do great things for Christ and for others.

So congratulations to the amazing class of 2012. I love you all and I can't wait to see you all again really soon! God bless you all in everything you do. Fiat lux!

Tepus Fugit

Oh, how time flies. I've been with John for over two and a half years, and I've been friends with Liz Knab (Here's a link to her blog...which is awesome) since I was born. Tonight, I had the privilege of seeing them play opposite each other in "The Taming of the Shrew". Their comedic timing and sarcastic comebacks (cleverly written by the great William Shakespeare) were acted and delivered superbly. These two, though I wasn't terribly fond of watching my oldest friend kiss my boyfriend (haha), had me convinced that they were in love...thankfully only for a few hours. I have never been prouder of them. They are such amazing, talented people that I have been privileged to have in my life for the past years. I love them both dearly. I get to watch these two wonderful people graduate from high school tomorrow and go on to do what they love. I can't wait to see what Liz does with her writing and what John does with his architectural engineering. It doesn't feel like I'm ready to let them graduate, though. Time goes so quickly. The two and a half years that I've spent as John's girlfriend have been incredible and I've never been happier. And Liz and I have been through a lot of crazy times together, but we can still be weird and ridiculous together. It's going to be weird not seeing them every day...

But congratulations, Liz and John. I love you both and I look forward to watching you receive those diplomas tomorrow...or as Fr. Ireland calls them "pieces of paper that say you're smart!" God bless you both!!

18 Years Ago

Happy 18th birthday to the absolutely incredible John Paul James Lann!!! I have been so blessed to be his girlfriend for the last 2 and a half years. He has taught me more about faith, love, God, hope, and perseverance than anyone else ever has. Even though I'm a good bit younger than him, he doesn't let that get in the way or make things awkward. He treats me just like everyone else. He is truly an amazing man. Here are just a few of the wonderful things he's done for me:

1- He's helped me through my depression and addiction to self-harm (I think that's the first time I've mentioned this on this blog...) and has been there for me any time I needed someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, or just a hug from someone I love. He's never treated me differently because I struggle with these things, and he's risked our friendship to make sure I'm ok. That sounds worse than it is - what he did was one of the most amazing things. He called my parents to make sure they knew what was going on and they knew I was depressed. I was so upset with him, and I almost walked away from him. He sat me down and we talked about it, and within an hour things were forgiven and we were happier. This is what I mean when I say that I am the most blessed girl in the world.

2- He always believes in me. I never believe in myself. He's constantly telling me that I'm beautiful, talented, smart, all the things I think I'm not, he reminds me that I'm the only one who really thinks that. He helps me to see things more clearly and tries to calm me down when I'm being irrational. He is the best friend I could ask for.

3- He does everything he possibly can to keep our relationship strong. We've been put down so much over the past 2 years. It's gotten to points where I've just broken down over it and wanted to give up. But he promises me that things will be okay, and he's always right. People judge us a lot based on our age difference. It gets really frustrating. In my opinion, as long as you're devoted to God first and foremost and you have a happy, healthy relationship, your age isn't relevant. He's always so sweet about everything. He wipes out all my insecurities about our relationship and promises that while he's in college he will do everything he can to keep us together and happy. So thank you, John. That means a lot.

4- He supports me in everything. Even though he may not always love theatre, he always encourages me to enjoy it and praise God by doing what I love. He comes to see everything that I do, and I'm so thankful for that. Having him in the audience will mean a ton to me especially since Beth is going to be my first kinda lead role. I'm really grateful to him.

5- He deals with all my insecurities. I have a lot of them. He doesn't let that change anything. He helps me through everything and keeps me positive and calm.

6- He is the sweetest. The other day, he dropped me off at my house and we just talked for a few minutes and he held me close and just spent time with me. It was one of the most wonderful moments in our relationship. He was so sincere and I never wanted to let him go. I'm so blessed to have him as my boyfriend.

7- He tells me about his plans for our future. He is always so encouraging about college and everything else. He calms my insecurities. It's amazing how much a simple word can change my thoughts. I love hearing everything he has to say about us.

8- He has taught me so much about faith. More than anyone else. He always reminds me to pray and to receive the sacraments as much as possible. The things he has taught me about Catholicism is incredible. I owe him so much of my life for that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I love you, John. Happy 18th birthday, my love. May God continue to bless you always and give you the happiest life there is. I want to be part of your life forever and help you through anything you need. Thank you for all you have done. I'm sorry for all the times I've let you down. Thank you for always forgiving me and bringing me back to God. I love you and hope you have the best year of your life.

Love always,
Hannah

Done (Part Two)

Done with exams!!! Such a good feeling. And I did well except for history, but everyone basically killed it and it was the teachers fault anyway. Now there are only four more days of school until SUMMER. Boy, am I ready for summer.

Anyway, today is John's baby brother's birthday! He turns two today!! I met this baby when he was three days old. He is simply the sweetest, most adorable baby (toddler) ever! He loves to talk and play tricks on me whenever I'm over. He's so cute! I love watching him and John together. :) The way John's family works is really funny. David was born today (May 26), Mrs. Lann was born on May 28, and John was born on May 29. Then you have Mr. Lann and Christopher are within like a week of each other's birthdays in November. It's awesome! So happy birthday to my favorite baby/toddler in the world, David Joseph Lann!!

He's adorable!

Such a stinkin' cutie! And he totally poses for my camera every time I take a picture. Love it! Love him!!!

Done (Part One) [heh...that rhymes...]

DONE WITH THE TWO WORST EXAMS!!! I'm positive I killed my history exam, but so did everyone else, and since that's the teacher's fault not ours I'm surprisingly ok with it...kinda...not really. But I'M DONE and I'll never have to take another class with that awful teacher again!!

My Greek exam went pretty well. Not as well as I would have liked, but I think I did fine. So I'm alright with that.

Tomorrow is going to be awesome. Literature is my best subject, and our (wonderful) teacher gave us a really good review. So I feel prepared. Plus, I don't have a math exam which is awesome because it's definitely one of my worst subjects.

Anyway, I'm done with 3 exams. Only 3 more to go. Thank You, God for letting me live through this!

Help...Someone...Anyone?

This had to have been one of the worst days I've had in a long time. My history teacher really made me mad (like he always does) and just refused to help us review for our IMPOSSIBLE exam that's TOMORROW. He threw a bunch of new stuff at us, said we had to know a bunch of maps we never even looked at, and just was being flat out stupid. I spent my lunch break crying, then sobbed again for like an hour at home trying to study and still haven't completely stopped (It's been 4 hours). I'm a mess. I really needed someone to talk to. I felt like no one cared. But John was wonderful enough to listen to me cry my eyes out both at school and at home, and offer advice and help. He sat with me at lunch and rubbed my back while I tried not to scream in frustration. So suffice it to say, today was not good. I couldn't really even bring myself to pray all that well just because I was feeling so low. But every time I would put myself down or go into another fit of hysterics, John would say "I'll pray for you" and somehow I'd feel a little better and calm down a bit. I'm still really stressed out and my eyes are really puffy and red (and they hurt like heck!) but I know that God is watching out for me and that my amazing boyfriend believes in me enough to help me through the rough times and tell me that I can do it. So thank you, John, for praying for me. And thank You, God, for caring for me and holding me in Your Sacred Arms. I love You, O My God!

Little Things/Simple Joys

I felt like reminding myself of what I'm thankful for today, just because it's going to be a stressful few days leading up to exams. So here it is!

-John. 'Nuff said!
-LITTLE WOMEN rehearsals start soon, and I get to play Beth...one of my dream roles! :)
-I have pretzel M&M's
-My literature exam isn't going to include any Shakespeare! Only "A Tale of Two Cities"!!
-The Cedar Point trip I'm trying to organize is coming together really well.
-I got 1.25 liters of Diet Coke today for 99¢
-Only 1 more day of real classes, then just exams and a random week of pointless things and I'm DONE with the Lyceum...Kind of bittersweet, actually.
-NO MORE GREEK CLASSES EVER!!
-I get to see my FPAC friends again soon. (FPAC is the summer theatre group I work with)
-I get to laugh with my friends every day at school and just have fun with them
-I have comfy shoes on...lol
-I have a God who forgives me for everything I've done, and who Loves me infinitely... How INCREDIBLE He is!!!

May God grant you many things to be thankful for this day and every day.

Blessings!!

This Is What True Love Looks Like

I just finished "A Tale of Two Cities" by Charles Dickens. It's a beautiful work - if you haven't read it, go read it! It's one of the most exquisite, eloquent, and engrossing novels you will ever read. But I want to focus on one particular character: Sydney Carton.

Sydney Carton is first seen as an attorney who has given up hope in his life and let alcoholism get the better of him. He meets a young woman named Lucie Manette. He knows he doesn't deserve her love, yet he feels drawn to her. She ends up marrying Charles Darnay (The Marquis d' Evremonde) who later in the book finds himself imprisoned. Skipping ahead, Darnay is sentenced to death by the guillotine - France's newest form of execution. Carton knows that Lucie, Dr. Manette, and Lucie's daughter, must flee France to escape Madame Defarge (a truly horrible woman) who desires to kill them for various reasons. Sydney (being the wonderful man that he is, and loving Lucie dearly even though he can never have her as his own) drugs Darnay after showing up at his cell and trading clothes with him and has Charles carried off to the carriage where his family is getting ready to flee. The brave Carton is led from the accused Darnay's cell to the line of those condemned to die. One woman, who is also falsely accused, asks if he intends to die for Darnay. He replies that he will die for him and his family. The two converse for a while, and Sydney comforts the seamstress and they become friends in a way. She kisses him, and shortly after, is killed. It is now Carton's (aka Darnay's) turn to be executed. As the hero waits for the end to come, he imagines Lucie and her little family along with their friends Jarvis Lorry remembering him and honoring him, despite the wrongs he has done in his life. He sees the stains on his life being wiped away. He imagines France a better place with the evils of the present day fading away and the book ends with the quote  “It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known.” The imagery that Dickens uses is something to which no one can do justice. The beauty of Sydney Carton's sacrifice for the woman he so dearly loves is, however, something that is able to be appreciated even when told half as eloquently. 


This idea of self-sacrifice is something that ought to be taken into account in every relationship, because no relationship is one-way. Our actions speak louder than our words. We ought to love by our actions. By our words, too, yes. The actions, though, are what really matter.  

"The Final Push"

There seems to me to be a fine line between tough and crazy. I know you've all heard that before a million times, but it really is true. I see it every day.

My school is really challenging academically, and most (if not all) our classes are honors classes. For example, we translate Homer from the original Greek, we don't use text books except in math and science, we study Euclidian geometry, we all have to sing, act, do physical education, etc. You get the point. It gets kind of irritating. But that's not what I'm really going to talk about.

Today in choir, there were a bunch of people missing because a Greek test ran overtime. Our choir director is insane. And I've been in choir all my life. Never have I been in a choir that was less enjoyable than this one. We're recording a Christmas CD (in MAY!) on Friday, and basically, we sound pretty bad. And I understand that we need to rehearse...story of my life...but we can't be yelled at and only told what not to do. Like today two seniors showed up late to rehearsal. I agree that they shouldn't just skip choir, but the director chewed them out like I have never seen before. If you ask me, a teacher should reprimand them, sure. But do it privately, quietly, and don't waste your "precious" rehearsal time yelling at two people while the rest of the students stand there awkwardly. I mean, come now. That's ridiculous. You go on and on about how we absolutely CAN NOT waste time and you go on for like 10 minutes about how they're to blame if we sound awful on the CD. Because that makes sense.....?? The end of my rant. Haha.

Anyway, since it's almost the end of the year, the teachers have all been going on about how we have to give it the "final push". I've felt less motivated because of that. I really don't know why. It probably has something to do with the fact that I'm transferring soon, so I don't care as much, but it's odd that I feel worse about it when I'm doing so well. The brain is a strange thing. But I thank God for the opportunities He's given me. I don't think I would be as strong in faith if I hadn't gone to the Lyceum. And I wouldn't have met John who has been my constant support through everything. So yes, great things have come out of the school, but I don't know why I feel like I've become so unhappy with everyone there except for a few people. It's tough. But I only have 2 more weeks and I get to watch some of my best friends and my boyfriend graduate and go on to bigger and better things. So I'm counting my blessings :)

May God bless you all and give you happiness always! 

Here's something to brighten your day! :) 

My Mom

My mom is amazing.

-She put a lot on hold to adopt me :)
-She's the most talented person I know. She plays piano better than anyone I've ever heard.
-She's always positive and tries to see the best in everyone.
-She is so in love with God and shares that with everyone she meets.
-She helps me every time I need it and she never fails to encourage me when I need that extra push.
-She keeps me grounded and centered in life and doesn't let me get carried away in emotion.
-Her laugh can be heard from a mile away, which can get irritating, but she's always really joyful and happy.
-She always makes me try to be the best I can be.
-She loves to talk about her mom, dad, brother, aunts, etc., with me so I can know about my adopted family.
-She's always willing to share everything she knows about my biological family.
-She's nice to every one of her students and they all completely love her.
-She is just incredible.

I love you, mom. I know I don't always say it enough, but it's true. Happy Mother's Day!

Love

John and I got to spend the day together yesterday. It's been a pretty long week for both of us. We've dealt with a lot. But through everything, he's been wonderful.

  We went to see some of my friends in a musical called "13". I'm a theatre lover, and I've grown up around it my whole life. Sometimes I forget that other people haven't and so I get all energetic and loud around my theatre friends. John is amazing, because no matter how irritating I get, he makes the effort to support me in theatre. He wants me to be happy. Sometimes he does get annoyed by theatre people, which I completely understand. But he's so wonderful about it.
  I got cast as Beth in "Little Women: The Musical" and John was really supportive of me through all my panic attacks before my audition and callbacks. It's amazing how sweet he is about everything, even when he may not be completely comfortable with what I'm doing. There are things he doesn't want me to do, but that's because he wants me to be close to God, and that's sometimes really hard in theatre. But no matter what, he wants me to be happy and I think he knows that I wouldn't do anything to hurt him or my faith. But just having someone there to say "I'm proud of you and I'll be at your show" or to say "You got this! Go be amazing!" is great.
 So thank You, God for giving John to me, and thank you, John, for always being there.
  And another note of love... I watched THE VOW today. I liked it. Not my favorite movie, but I liked the idea of it. It got me thinking a lot about love and about what life would be like if suddenly I woke up and didn't remember anything about my life except things that had happened years ago. It was a scary thought. But it also got me to realize how wonderful my relationship is. No matter what, John is there for me. He's been there for me through breakdowns, excitement, sadness, everything. I've been blessed with the opportunity to watch him go from a freshman to a senior. I'm so proud of him. There have been people that hated our relationship, there have been people who love it. There have been hard times. But somehow, we've gotten through it all and been together for over 2 and a half years. These years have been the best of my life. All the little things he's done for me (like get me my favorite drink from starbucks as a little part of my Christmas gift, listen to CD's with me, etc) mean so much. He's helped me with Latin and Greek, he's helped me through my transfer to Trinity, he's helped me through health problems and such. He's incredible. Most importantly, though, he has led me to God. He's shown me so many wonderful things about faith, God, hope, prayer, and life. I am truly blessed. I love you, John Paul. You are such an amazing blessing and I thank God for you every day.

                                                                I find this really cute :)

Modest Living

This post is oriented toward the women who read this, but the men are free to read it too...In fact, I encourage them to.

Modesty is one thing that every girl seems to struggle with. Society puts so much pressure to be beautiful. But their idea of beauty is so misguided and messed up. The world pushes girls to dress in a way that exploits how they look. With places like Victoria's Secret, Abercrombie&Fitch, etc., women are always told they have to be skinnier, "hotter", and fit the world's warped idea of beauty. Men, however, often don't  want that. I asked two of my best guy friends why they prefer a woman who dresses modestly over one who strives to be like the "beautiful" models from places like those mentioned above.

"I would say that I prefer a girl who dresses modestly because it shows she has confidence in herself meaning in her ability to interest people with her conversation and personality not just her looks. If any guy is actually thinking throughout his situation he'd realize that a modest girl would be one who could be more reasonable and helpful. Dressing modestly shows that you have a great personality rather than just a good body." -John Lann

John brings up a good point. A woman's ability to carry a conversation and be happy and fun is much more important than her looks.

"I'd say dressing modestly simply looks better. I wouldn't even want to be seen walking down a hall with a girl dressed as immodestly as they do today, it'd be embarrassing. The way you dress can tell you a lot about someone. Dressing immodestly shows that you have no self respect and it can tell you what they're interested in. It sends all the wrong messages. It makes a guy look at you the wrong way and their opinion of you changes. It simply lowers your standards and compromises your dignity." -Phil Dougherty

Phil brings up another good point. When we dress immodestly, our dignity gets reduced drastically. When we dress only to get the attention of someone or to "fit in", we lower ourselves. God created us perfectly. We shouldn't want to change anything about ourselves. We are His daughters.

Being beautiful is so much more important that being "hot". And I'm not really even talking about being beautiful on the outside. We should strive to make our souls  beautiful. That is what should come first. Inner beauty brings us closer to God. Inner beauty is what makes us people. Our soul is the form of our body. Therefore, our soul is what we should make beautiful. Not our bodies. I'm not saying it's bad to try to look lovely on they outside! It's great to want to look good. It's not most important, though. If we are trying to look good, it's important that we glorify God in the way that we dress.

Guys, I'm gonna talk to you now. Even if you don't have a girlfriend, make an effort to compliment your friends who are girls. There are always days we feel ugly. A few kind words like "you look nice today!" or "Smile! Happy looks good on you" can go a long way. A lot of times, all a girl wants is to be called beautiful, and for a lot of us, we'd rather be called beautiful and not "hot". It sounds weird, because the standards of the world say that you have to be "hot". And especially if you're dating, always call your girlfriend beautiful, especially when SHE feels least beautiful. I've found that sometimes when I think I look terrible, John tells me I look pretty. It's a nice little confidence booster. So make her feel special, loved, and appreciated for who she is. Because a woman should never have to feel that she has to change herself to get you to compliment her or notice her. When you say we look nice it also shows us you cared enough to notice that we put extra effort into looking nice...often for you. It makes us feel important.

Girls, I know it's really hard to be completely comfortable in your bodies, and I know I'm not. But I'm trying to accept myself for who I am and not change who God made me. And you shouldn't either. You are all beautiful. I used to hate hearing that, but the more I think about it, the more true it really seems. You were created in God's perfect image, and in His eyes you are perfect. Honestly, that's all that matters. The state of our souls is infinitely more important than the state of our bodies. Be who God  made you. Don't let anyone change who you are. But above all, we have to strive to be daughters of Christ.

God bless you all!!

In His Hands

Lord,
Help me to trust You. Help me remember that You have a plan for everything in my life and it is all in Your control. Don't allow me to get too caught up in what I want, but aid me in trusting You to provide what is best  for me. Guide me down the paths of virtue and grace. Help me to be modest in appearance, humble in attitude and mind, and kind and gentle in my interactions with others. Do not let me dwell on my own emotions, rather let me concentrate on helping others to be happy no matter how I feel. Help me be content with myself and the way that You created me, because I am Yours. I love You, O my God...my Father.
Amen

Grateful!

On Monday I auditioned for "Little Women the Musical". The music isn't fabulous, but it's stuff I can sing well. I was so nervous on the car ride there, it was ridiculous. But that changed pretty fast.
As soon as I got there I saw my two best friends, Anna and Neil. We hadn't seen each other in a few months and were dying to hang out again. We legitimately screamed when we saw each other. One thing I love about theatre is that people accept you for exactly who you are. A lot of times I feel like I have to change who I am/what I think around people at my school. And it bugs me because I want to feel comfortable enough to express myself for who I really am. And just sitting and talking with two of the funniest and nicest people I know completely made my day. We joked, talked, etc. It was so nice to de-stress. I love when little things like that happen. Especially because I was SUPPOSED to audition the Saturday before that Monday. But life blew up in my face and I had to reschedule. But I was actually glad  that it did. I had a great time. God always provides. Even if we don't always see how He works.

Yours

So, I posted this on my other blog (The Splendor of His Love) but since more people seem to read this one, I figured I'd post it here, too. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O, Lord. Enfold me in Your arms and keep me in Your sight. Make me the woman You have always wanted me to be. Show me how to live my life as Your daughter and to glorify You in all my actions. I am Yours. I am not my own. Don't allow me to live my life the way I think it should be, but rather the way You intend it to be. Help me to keep my relationships dedicated to You as they should be. I love You, O God. Though I am not worthy to be called Yours, You never stop loving me. Please help me to trust You completely and not give in to the temptations of this world. For this world will fade. But Your world is eternal. You are eternal. I thank You for the gift of my life, and I ask You to bless the life of those I love and keep them happy, healthy, and faithful. I love You!