Will I Lose My Dignity? Will Someone Care?

Hello, all!

I would like to take a minute to talk about one of my favorite organizations. To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit organization that tries to help prevent suicide, self-harm, depression, etc. It's gotten me through a lot, and I know it's helped others.
For example, in 2008 the brother of one of my mom's students committed suicide. The pain that the family went through was unbelievable. They said that if anyone wanted to support a cause that helped them deal with the pain of losing a loved one, that they should donate to TWLOHA. That's how I first learned about it. I had no idea at the time that I would end up needing the reassurance that I was not alone in my struggle.
This goes back to me saying that I'm not one of those people who is constantly together. I struggled (and still struggle) with depression and self-harm. TWLOHA was there with words of encouragement, advice, etc., that helped me (and continue to help me) through the fight. But that's not what I am here to talk about.
Monday, September 10 is World Suicide Prevention Day. This day is always dear to my heart. It's a day where people, whether they have struggled with depression or not, can come together and fight the epidemic in our country. Our society puts so much pressure on us to be perfect all of the time. People are driven to suicide every day because of hate. This is something that must be stopped. Coping with life is hard enough. A stand needs to be taken, and TWLOHA is taking it. So on Sept. 10, wear something either orange or yellow. Orange is the color of self-harm awareness, and yellow, the color of suicide awareness. TWLOHA produces a special t-shirt for WSPD (World Suicide Prevention Day...I'm so creative with abbreviations...) that is white with orange lettering. If you do not want to spend the money, at least try to make an effort to incorporate the colors into your outfit for the day. I know it seems silly, and maybe no one will notice. But we can try. And it would be great if you did!!

God bless you all!! Have a great night!

Love Is Here, Love Is Now

I've still been struggling with fitting in at Trinity, and feeling sick every day certainly doesn't help. The only place I really feel comfortable is in my Honors English 11 class. I'm at a table with 3 other people, and we all somehow have the same interests. My friend Patrick is a Titanic nerd as well, and he knows about the BW Music Theater program. Lisa and I have the same taste in literature, and Gabby and I just get along really easily. I also just do well in that class. I credit The Lyceum a lot for that, because we had to look at literature in a way most schools don't. I'm one step ahead in that respect, and that's really helpful. I look forward to English all day, and I hate that it's my last period. But it's really nice to have something like that to look forward to. I'm thankful for that.

Going back to yesterday, I went to 8pm mass at Holy Rosary. Although my family technically belongs to Holy Rosary, my mom and I started going to Communion of Saints while my dad works at Blessed Trinity Parish. So, we're all on different Mass schedules. It gets kind of frustrating, not going to Mass as a family. But my dad's parish is 40 minutes away and we aren't morning people. So we end up at COS (Communion of Saints) a lot. Anyway, I was alone at Mass, and I don't like being alone at Mass. I was freaking out because I felt really sick and I had to "sit through" Mass worrying about my stomach. I was 15 minutes early for Mass, so I had some time to pray with the organ playing quietly in the background. I sat in the front-ish by the tabernacle and just prayed:

Lord,
I pray that as I kneel before You, You might take away any doubt and fear from my mind. Remind me that as long as I am in Your presence, You will take care of me. I don't know where my life is going at the moment, but give me peace in You and help me trust You fully. I love You, O my Life! I am Yours. I am not my own. Help me to live as Your daughter first and foremost.
Amen

Reminders

Well, now that John is safely off, I have more faith-related things to blog about. (Though John will appear in many of these posts...just because I love him...)

It was the third day of school, and I was walking to english class. I was freaking out, because I don't adapt well to change, and this is a huge one. I have had to get used to feeling basically invisible and lost. My classes are really good, but the social aspect is really hard for me to deal with. That is not the point, though. The point is that on my way to english, I was thinking about how strange it was not to pray before and after EVERY class. Trinity has prayer in the morning, but nothing much else except for personal time that you can spend in their chapel. I thought, "Wow, I do miss that" and walked in to class feeling unsure of how to fit in my prayer time during school. The bell signaled the start of class and my teacher said "Okay, everyone stand for prayer. Are there any intentions?" I was so happy. It was really nice.

My Love,
I thank You for the opportunities You have given me. I am weak, but You are strong. Help me to realize that You are all that I need. That this earth is passing and that Your Kingdom is what I ought to strive for. I Love You, O my Lord!

Inevitable

So, today's the day. John's headed to Cincinnati. I couldn't be more proud, but I'm also nervous.

Lord,
I pray that today You would give all the confidence and happiness in the world to John, because no one deserves it more than he does. You have blessed me with him for two and a half years and now he gets to have more adventures. Stay by his side, O God. Protect him from anything harmful and point him down the path that You desire him to take. Help him to choose what is of You, and not of the world. I thank You today, as I do every day, for blessing my life with John. He has shown Your Love to me in ways I never thought possible. If it be Your Will, let our love thrive while we are apart and allow us to come back to one another strengthened in faith and in love for one another and for You. Give us hope to continue on this journey and give us the stamina to face trials with grace and with joy. Grant us serenity in our new surroundings and never let us forget how much we owe to You.
In Christ's Name,
Amen

I love you, John. I can't wait to be back in your arms. :) God bless you always, sweetheart. I'll see you in 9 days!

And may God bless all of you as you finish the week!

Goodbye, Love

John came to say goodbye tonight. It was easily one of the hardest nights I've gone through. There has never been anyone in my life who has meant as much to me as John does, and it's nearly impossible to let him go. He's been great about it, though. He brought David over today for a few hours which always helps brighten any situation. We sometimes get strange looks like "you guys are too young to be parents..." and now that we both wear promise rings, it looks like we're married. But we always get a laugh out of it. Anyway, we went to the playground and played with David, who loved my kitties, by the way. He sang happy birthday to me, and my heart nearly exploded. It was one of the cutest things I've ever seen. David got picked up, and then it was just us along with my parents in the house. We watched Seinfeld and laughed...well, he laughed...I cried. I just can't get used to the fact that he won't be here, and it is so hard to get through a day without wishing I could see him. I usually could, but now that he's living 4 hours away, that won't be possible. And I think that will be one of the hardest things to  get used to. I cried for a good bit of the night. He just held me and told me everything was ok. He really is the most wonderful boyfriend I could have. I know you're probably thinking that's cliche and annoying to read about on a blog, but the majority of the things that remind me God is present always are most obvious to me when I'm with John. He is the most faithful person I've met, and He always brings me closer to God in everything.

I am so blessed. Thank You, God, for John Paul James Lann. I couldn't have asked for anyone better.

Enough To Let Me Go

I was thinking about my life today. Sounds philosophical, I know, but it's actually quite simple. I was reading through a Facebook message between my friend and I. He was helping me through having to say goodbye to John. I was a mess, and he was super sweet and helpful. I've known him for 12 years now, and our friendship has grown into something truly special to me. When I was Beth in LITTLE WOMEN, he was my Mr. Laurence. On closing night, after realizing it was our last show together, the emotions ran high. I don't cry at the end of shows, and neither does he, but we were both pretty upset.

Anyway! I was reading through our message, and the second time through I realized how lucky I am to have friends like him. I've lost friends for various reasons, and I've been hurt a lot by different people. There were a few months I cried myself to sleep almost every night because of a few people. But that has slowly patched itself up. The more I thought about it, the more clear it became that you can not replace a great friendship. If there's a relationship you've lost, you (or at least I) always have a place I feel like that person (or people) should be. And it's going to hurt to lose people, but if you are meant to be friends with them, God will always find a way to put them back into your life. It's something I've grown more and more grateful for every day, friendship. Friendship is not something to be taken for granted. Ever.

God bless you!

Shine

Okay, let's be honest. Every girl dreams about wearing a beautiful diamond ring (like the one below) on her finger. I am so blessed to have a boyfriend who is willing to buy me a promise ring (the one pictured below). The ring doesn't stand for the normal pre-engagement kind of thing, but rather a reminder of how beautiful our relationship is and how much it means to both of us. But here's what I thought of today...just a few minutes ago in fact. Today I was washing my hands in the kitchen and we were out of hand soap, so I had to use dish soap... After drying my hands, I looked at my ring. It was sparkling so brilliantly. The picture doesn't show it well, but it has a gorgeous shine to it. Here's the thing. John's going to college, and I'm still in high school. He won't be here to hold me when I cry, help me when I'm sick, hold my hand when I'm afraid. Just thinking about that makes me cry. There's been a lot of crying lately. BUT, if he and I keep our relationship centered around God constantly, He will use it for His glory and make it shine. But we have to work to "wash away" all the bad things in our relationship. It's cheesy, but it made sense to me. So, thanks, John for this ring. I am yours. But we are His first. We can do this if we rely on Him.

Oh, Humanity!

Here's something I've noticed more and more lately - the human race is going downhill. You're probably thinking: "Wow, you're just picking up on that??" But it's something that continues to shock me every day. I can't even scroll through my news feed on Facebook without seeing "&#%$ this!" or "you #$@%&", etc...it's sad. My language isn't always the best, but I realize that when I do fail at keeping it appropriate, I feel worse about everything. My outlook becomes more and more negative. I mean, what should I expect? When someone curses something like that, how can they have a positive attitude about it? There's just no way. When you try to be positive about something, even something you don't like, the fact that you're TRYING works wonders. Our world really is deteriorating, but the Catholic and Christians who try to keep God in everything will be happier and others will notice that and ask what keeps us so happy. We must always strive to be happy and hopeful. That is how people will know we have something more than this passing world.

God bless you all! I hope you've had a wonderful weekend!

Truly Blessed

Today is the last day I get to spend with John. He leaves for Cincinnati on Wednesday. I can't imagine what life will be like without seeing him at least once a week. He is such an amazing guy and I can't believe that we're almost at the three year mark. When I think about how much we've been through together, it seems a miracle that we didn't go insane. Somehow, though, he always wanted to stay with me. He never gave up on us, or on me. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful, God-fearing man. Today is going to be really hard on me, because of how many times he's saved my life and made me feel worth something, but he's so supportive and encouraging about the whole transition. I love you, John. I can't wait to see what adventure our last day together brings.

Some Things Are Meant To Be

Wow. Today was my second day as an upperclassman...and my second day at my new school. One question has been nagging at me, sucking out my soul, and finding its way into my nightmares. Ok, just kidding. But seriously, I keep asking myself: Where the heck did my summer go?! It's crazy. I can't believe it's over. 

I like Trinity a lot so far. It'll be interesting to see how second term goes, though, because all of my hard classes (AP U.S. History, Algebra II, Chemistry) managed to find there way into that term *gulp*. It's really intimidating and slightly awkward seeing as I only know a few people. I like my first term classes a lot though (Honors English, Cooking, Creative Writing, and a free period to work on math because I suck at it - haha). The people, especially the teachers, have been really welcoming. It's odd though, because I've found that the teachers are completely different than all the ones I have previously had. My  English teacher is hard of hearing, so she knows how to read lips. Some people laughed at that and some thought it was cool. She smiled kind of mysteriously and then said "Yeah, it's helpful to me, but when I catch you saying 'Wow...she is such a b***h' you won't be laughing so much...nor will you think it's cool". I sat there for a minute and just thought ".....wait. Did my TEACHER just swear in a class?" I was stunned. I wasn't offended by it or anything, but it made me realize that I'm in a different environment. I do like it a lot though. My cooking/home ec. teacher is hilariously old fashioned. She cringes at the things people say about letting future babysitters drive their future kids wherever they want - which I don't like the thought of either. But again, it's a different place. People are really different. There are most definitely pros AND cons to the whole thing, but I'm having fun and I feel closer to God now than I did at the Lyceum...weird, I know, but since I was so unhappy there, it was really hard to connect to Him. That's all changing. Slowly but surely. And I'm really grateful for it. 

Hope you're all having a great night. God bless!!

Adventure Is Out There...Whatever That Means

Going back a few posts, I mentioned how I'm starting school...well...tomorrow (YIKES!) and that means that John is leaving for college in a week and a day. Both of those things are crazy exciting, but I'm also slightly terrified.

I'm starting at a school where I know MAYBE 16 people out of about 400. I'm considered a social person, but the idea of barely knowing anyone and having to try to make a whole new set of friends is really intimidating. I don't know what to expect, I don't know how I'll be accepted, etc. I'm the kind of person who strongly dislikes uncertainty (and my life is full of it), so going into such a crazy change is rough for me. A lot of people don't realize how easily things affect me. People see me as this strong girl that nothing can break. And I've been told that before by people. I've been asked: "What's your secret to staying positive all the time??" Anyone who knows me better knows that I'm extremely sensitive to any kind of criticism, change, or anything that's said about me. John can attest to the fact that I spend a lot of nights in tears because I can't handle stress of everyday life. So clearly, I'm not the person that people make me out to be. There was a girl in 5th grade who really didn't like me because she claimed I was "too perfect". Looking back to that, I'd love to have said that I DO break easily. I'm not together every minute - I'm hardly ever together, really. Anyway, this whole change from a school where I knew everyone by name to a school that, despite it being a much better fit for me as a person, is essentially foreign to me is frightening to say the least.

Now, normally, I would just go into the Newman or Augustine to talk to John during lunch and just have someone to tell me everything is going to be fine. Here lies another problem. Not only will I be at a different school, but the person I am closest to will be four hours away instead of thirty minutes. John has been there for me when no one else was at all. He's seen me at my worst and at my best. I've never had a better friend. So what do I do when the one who I could always count on to hold me while I cried is miles away? That question has haunted me for months. "I've never had to face the world without him at my side". The prospect of being without him has been really hard to get used to. I want him to succeed more than anything. He is capable of such incredible things. And I'm the first to admit that I selfishly want him to stay with me, but there's no way I can even try to deny him these wonderful experiences. He's been great through this whole thing. He agreed to get promise rings (not in the normal pre-engagement way though!) so that I could feel more comforted by the fact that he'd always be wearing it. But all I can do now is pray.

Needless to say, I'm in for a lot of adventure, and so is my amazing John. It will be a good year, but there are some major changes and uncertainties packed in there. But God is good, and He does provide.

So yeah. Bigger life update....if you care, which you probably don't, but thanks for reading/skimming. God bless you always!

Blinding Light

One of my new favorite songs. Thanks, Liz Knab!!

Blinding Light by Switchfoot

So, basically this song makes me super happy. Favorite lyrics:

"Hey girl, be yourself now

Don't believe what they told you to

Hey girl, be yourself now

Your skin's more than a pin-up suit

Hey girl, don't conform now

No one else's got soul like you

Hey girl, you're a strong one

But none of us are bulletproof

Yeah...Deep down there's a hope inside

You got wings but you're scared to fly

Wake up, wake up

Still looking for the blinding light

Still looking for the reason why

Still looking for the sun to shine

Take me higher and higher

All my life I've been living in the darkest night

Still looking for the sun to shine

Take me higher and higher"

Changes

I am generally a fan of change, and this year is FULL of them. I start at Trinity on Wednesday and I have to learn to adapt to a completely new atmosphere. People say I'm a friendly and adaptive person, but I'm nervous about the whole transition.

John leaves for college on the 23rd. That's probably the biggest change. I've been so spoiled by getting to see him every day at school and then about once a week during the summer, and now I have to get used to him living four hours away instead of thirty minutes. It's going to be hard not having him here to talk to every minute. We'll both be on completely different schedules, which won't make it any easier to find time to talk. He's great about encouraging me about everything, but it's still rough. There have been a few nights spent crying, worrying, etc. But we've tried to center our relationship more around faith than it had been, so I think that will help. Major change there, though, no matter how I look at it.

One GOOD change... I'm finally redoing my bedroom. I've had the same tiny furniture since I was a about 5. The only that was an ok size was my bed. Suffice it to say, it was a room for a little kid, not an almost-16-year-old. Haha. I have a new desk, dresser, bookshelf, bedding set, night stand. I have a color picked out for my walls, too. It's gonna be nice to have big enough furniture and non-pastel colors on the walls.

So yeah. Mini life update, there. Hope all is well with everyone. God bless!

A Request

Hello, all.

I've been neglecting this blog lately, and I apologize. I've had a crazy summer: doing LITTLE WOMEN, working, summer reading, parties, etc. But hopefully I'll be able to post more soon.

I do have a request though. I could really use some prayers. I'm super stressed out and worried about something, and I really just need God's help/clarification. I've broken down a few times about things, and I could use a lot of clarity. So if it's not too much to ask, could you just add me into your prayer? I'd really appreciate it.

In Christ,
Hannah